even in the depths of dispare i need to remember that he is good. He knows the plans He has for me. i can only rely on His love and on His grace. I might not understand right now why things happen, but i know that He is with me always. For He is good and He is mighty. He has a purpose for all, even though we might not see it. He is my refuge.

I was sitting there last night reminiscing about old times. I started thinking about my past and the road that’s lead me here to where I am now. It’s humbling to see where I was then and where I am now. The struggles I have gone through and the battles I have lost along the way. And I can say that im still on the journey trying to get renewed everyday. But it just amazes me that even now I stumble, I mess up, I break…and He still loves me. I guess its one of those beautiful things about Christ that will always leave me speechless. Because in reality no matter where I go or where this path might takes me, ill never experience that type of love. No body will know me or get me like he does. People will fail me and come and go, but He will always be by my side. I know that this concept of God’s love is so simple and so fundamental when it comes to the Christian life. But I also think its one of the hardest concepts to really grasp. It’s so easy for us to get wrapped up in our past, our self pity, and in our hurt, and shame; that it’s hard to look at ourselves through Christ’s eyes. You know all he wants to do it love us and care about us, but most of the time we let our lives get so busy with “stuff” that it doesn’t allow for us to see it. Well you know, im tired of allowing my life to get to this place. I know its good for me to be broken and be put in this place where I can only give my life over to Christ and hand it to Him to lead it. This is the best place for me to be at, to be in the safety of Christ love. So for the longest time I thought that the great question is why I let myself get to a stage in my life where I get consumed with all the “stuff” that doesn’t allow for me to feel that and know that. To remember that all I need is Him. Well I just can’t do it anymore, I can’t cut it. I know im not made to be outside the presence of God. But here is the thing, I know ill fail that ill continually mess up, it’s bound to happen. But despite all my mess ups he will still continue on loving me and want me in his presence. How beautiful is that...to me that the most amazing thing in this world. His unconditional love for us.

So my main reason for having this thing is so im able to just jot down some thoughts I have. I guess more than anything it’s an avenue for me to express my feelings and thoughts. I think it’ll be neat for me to look back on something like this and realize all the things that ive reflected on and learned about over time. I find it easier for me to work my thoughts and ideas out in writing. This fact being ironic since ive never been a good writer, it really never came easy to me. But as im getting older it’s been something ive been more inclined to do. So my hope that in reading this, what you might call an "open ended journal," you can get a glimpse into some of the madness behind my thought. =0) well with that, I hope you enjoy reading whatever I might write in the future. And I would love to hear from ya and hear what you think on which ever subject I talked about. chat with you soon, ciao.