So often I find myself pulled in a million directions, wanting to try and do so many things. Where do I start to understand where im suppose to be going? There’s so many plans, responsibilities, so many dreams, so many possibilities…
At times I can definitely lose myself in that. Wondering where I could possibly begin, but too afraid to actually jump in. I know God has a plan, a purpose for me but I guess too often I try to take control and do it on my own. im done trying to do that…it just doesn’t work. I guess what ive been reminded of these past couple days, is to just stop looking everywhere else (the answers aren’t there). ALL I have to do is keep my eyes on God and what He asks of me, and everything else will work out on its own. Some might say, “Easier said then done”…true, but there is so much freedom in realizing that it’ll be okay. No matter what road I do eventually take, it’s the road im meant to be on. That those dreams and those hopes that right now I think that I want, will only be a fraction of the joy that will come from just following and seeking the true path that Christ has for me. It’ll be sweet!!! Well im off to bed, chat with you soon, ciao.

Take This Life

Written by Shawn McDonald and Chris Stevens

As I’m standing here, staring into the mirror

See the figure of a man trying to take a stand

And live for something more

Integrity is what I need and honor to my soul I feed

To give it up, pack it in, getting rid of all my sin that’s weighing me down

Won’t You come and fill

I want You to come and make me more real

Take this life, won’t You change this life

Come and make me whole

Won’t You take this life, won’t You change this life

Come and make me whole

In my pursuit of what is real

My heart is longing with a need to feel my soul come alive

I trudge and I step through the height and the death

Of a long narrow as I’m growing old

And soon I will be home

well kids im finally home from all my adventures & travels =0). im stoked to be home, but part of me misses all those people i met and were part of the journey i took this summer. They all hold a dear place in my heart. But i also know that through them & the experiences i had, God has taught me alot. So now its time to take all those things i learned and apply them to my life. So here we go...im sure itll be an adventure in its own. =0). Well friends much luv to you all, thanx for just being amazing friends. You all truley bless my life.And im pretty excieted, that now that im home to be able to sit down and hang out and chat it up with you all and see whats been going on in your worlds. well ciao for now.

Well were finally here in Arizona. So far its been some good times. Yesterday we drove to Las Vegas and stayed at the Excalibur Hotel. And walked the strip and checked out the Cesears Palace and the Belagio. I think the highlight of the night was either the cheesecake, from the Cheesecake factory, that I ate (it was amazing, im a fan).Or the fountain light show that we saw at the Belagio. So that was basically Vegas. Then this morning we woke up and drove to Utah, to this place where we rented inner tubes and rode down the river in them. That was actually pretty sweet, the view was amazing, having the canyons just right there. That was definitely something I enjoyed, some of the views I saw today were absolutely breath taking. And seriously you really can’t beat going down a river and playing around with friends, acting like little kids. =0) Well so after we did that, we hit up lunch and then headed out to the Zion national park. Which was an adventure in it self. It was amazingly beautiful! That’s all I have to say about that. So after we were done playing around and hiking up some sweet rocks we headed off to Page, Arizona. This is where we’re staying for that night. So today is our kickback/relaxing day before we head of to the reservation tomorrow. All in all im pretty pumped to go to the reservation tomm. , im ready to just kinda dive in, ya know. Im excited to see what God has in store for us there. Well I should probably head off to bed, but hope you all are doing great. I don’t know if ill be having internet connection while im there. But if you need to get a hold of me or just wanna chat it up and give me some luv ill have my phone so give me a call and hopefully ill have reception. If not you can leave a sick message for me to hear when i get home =0). Well kids, hope you all have a sweet week; you will all be in my prayers. Im looking forward to getting home and catching up on what you all have been up to. Well chat with yall soon, k. ciao. =0)

So im finally home, back here in California. I have to admit that the last couple of days have been a nice break for me. There’s nothing like sleeping in your own bed, let me tell ya. And being able to hang out with fam. and friends has been pretty sweet. But for the first couple of days I was home, it just felt weird, not seeing everyone from CO. I guess that when you spend every waking minute with friends for two weeks and then a separated from them, you are bound to feel kinda weird at first. And in all truthfulness I really do miss everyone. I can’t wait to start planning some trips and go visit peeps, it should be sweet. And also, I guess just everything about my time in Colorado in general was just such an experience that its strange being away from there. And there’s definitely a lot of thought processing that I need to do from all that I learned there. =0) So glad I have about 2 months left of summer before school starts up again, hopefully ill be able to have tons of down time to do it.

Well so now that im home from Colorado and have been able to rest and catch up on stuff. Now im off again on another adventure, I leave for Arizona in a couple of hours. Im going with TTT, (which is PH’s graduating Seniors/student leaders), on their last trip with PH before they head of to college. So we’re actually going to Arizona to go work/ help out at a Navajo reservation, so im pretty stoked about that. There’s not a whole lot of information that I have on what we’re actually going to be doing there, that’s partially my fault ( blame it on my bad memory) =0/. But I can say that im just really looking forward to the trip and what God is going to be showing us through it. My hope and prayer is that we’re able to have a safe trip, sweet times, and are able to allow ourselves to listen to whatever God has in store for us and to take it to heart. It should be Sweet! So with that my friends I bid you a good nite, and ill be talking with you soon. I’ll be sure to post on what we’re up to while we’re in Arizona. Well good nite, ciao.

So here I am, at the end of my 2 weeks in Colorado. Im actually pretty sad that it’s over. I woke up this morning and was able to hang out with friends before we all flew out, and I was amazed at how close I grew to some of these people in just two weeks. It’s been such a blessing to be able to be put in a situation where you know no one and by the end of your time together you can truly say that some of those friendships built will be ones that well last forever. It was really such an honor to have gotten the opportunity to get to know those girls. They reminded me that its okay to be vulnerable, that life is better lived when lived together; they inspired me to be a better person. They accepted me for who I was, but at the same time pushed me to dive deeper into who I am. They defiantly gave me a lot to think about. =0). So thanx girls, your awesome! What I also liked about Colorado was the fact that I was able to get away and be able to process some stuff God’s put on my heart. There is so much ive learned, from all the crazy outdoor stuff, to the late night talks, to all those little moments that will forever stay with me. So my hope and prayer is that as I leave here, I take with me everything that ive learned and experience and not just look back on it as a good experience but as a time that’s refined me to be the person im mean t to be. So yes, im looking forward to go home and sleep in my own bed and hang out with peeps back home, but im sad to leave this place, these people who have meant so much to me. But im almost positive ill see them all again, so I aightn’t trippen =0).
Well that’s about it, hope you all are good. Chat with you soon & God Bless.
Ciao.

this is me on top of that mountain i was talking about. And theres the Rockies in the background. Isn't that sweet. Well thought id share in the coolness of the picture. aite im done now, good nite. you all are awesome, ciao.
 

So can i just say i love it here. Im begining to understand why God wanted me to come here on this project. And its only the third day. i feel like ive been here for so much longer. Its amazing to meet with people from all over the country and just right of the bat have something in common with them.That even though we never knew each other before this we still are family, we have something thats bonded us thats greater than anything else. We are all here becasue Gods called us to be here. And to meet with these people and get to know them is just amazing. They are my brotheres and sisters and the very fact that i get to spend the next 2 weeks just growing closer and seeing what really matters to them, just rocks my socks off. =) they really are pretty rad. And whats even more amazing is that i know God is doing some amazing things here. And im excieted to see what it is that he's going to show me. So yeah, i can say im having a pretty sweet time over here. Im the most tired ive been in a long time, but its definatly worth it. Actually today we went on a 6 hour hike, i thought i was gunna pass out half way up the rock. I think the thing that got me the most was the elevation, little old me is coming for sea level and here i am trying to climb 2000 feet in 2.5 miles. It was definatly a challenge, but it was definatly worth it. By the time i got up to the top and was able to see that awesome view of the Rockies and all the mountains, i forgot about all my aches and pains and was just in awe of just how beautiful and breathtaking it all was. I felt so small compared to everything around me, it was definatley humbling to see all these beautiful things God created. And know that He is in control. I dont know what it is about nature that just geting me, but it always does. So that was something id definatly do over again if i had the chance, it was pretty sweet. So now im definatly looking foward to a day of rest tomm, i have a feeling ill be hurting a bit, but im sure ill be good. And then i officially start classes on monday, with the first week doing Old Testament survey along with Bible Doctrine. Im actually pretty excieted to jump in and just start up some of these classes. So yeah, thats a little about whats going on with me the last couple of days. Hope you all are doing good. i do miss you all, but im sure you all are just having a sweet time. But ill be writing on and off to check and and tell ya whats new with me. Well good nite, im off to go play some capture the flag. It should be sweet! well talk to you all soon. ciao.

So there’s a lot that’s happened these last couple weeks, I finished up school for the quarter (thank goodness for that), went to summer camp ( it was a blast), did this and that. And i can truthfully say that over all its been pretty sweet. And im sure ill comment on it later. So now today I leave for Colorado for two weeks with Campus Crusades. Im totally stoked! Ive been looking forward to this for the last couple of months, I am just excited to see what God has in store for me while im there, and the friendships im bound to develop and build there. So Yay for that. Well ill be writing and posting stuff while im there, so ill be keeping in touch. And to all my friends who will be traveling this summer, hope you have a blast, hope God just does and shows you some amazing things through your experiences and travels. And ill miss you all, cuz you guys are truly my family, but im totally stoked for you cuz I know your gunna be having some rad experiences. So have fun take care and ill be seeing you all before you know it. Ciao!

my little sister graduatd highschool today...!!!

Why is it so easy for me to put on that smile and say that im okay, when really im not. Why am i so afraid or reluctant to share what’s really going on with me. Sadly this is something I’ve gotten really good at over the years. Yeah its something i work on, trying to be real with the people, letting them into what’s happening in my world. But it’s so hard for me to show that part of me that’s hurting. I realize now that if I don’t allow people into my world and share with them my pain, my joys, my happiness, I’m just depriving myself of the community and relationships God meant for me to be in. God has blessed me with some pretty sweet people who i know care about what’s going on with me. Some amazingly real Godly women who I know will always be there to live life with me. They push when i need a good shove, or have a word of encouragement when I’m down, and most of all they're just there letting me know that it’ll be alright. God has taught me a lot through these girls; He’s taught me that I need to be real because they’re real and they do care, that’s its okay & that I don’t have to be afraid to share my life with people. And that they won’t give up on me, even when my world is full of ciaos and madness and I’m just about ready to give up on me. So I guess this is thank you, to all of you, for willing to live life with me,for showing me God's love and what its ment to be, for being real, for caring, for being such a blessing and bringing words of wisdom to my life, for just being there. I promise to try not put on a smile and say I’m okay, when I’m not; I promise to be real.


Philippians 2: 1-7 "1 If then there is any encouragement in Christ, any consolation from love, any sharing in the Spirit, any compassion and sympathy, 2 make my joy complete: be of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. 3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility regard others as better than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not to your own interests, but to the interests of others. 5 Let the same mind be in you that was in Christ Jesus, 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God as something to be exploited, 7 but emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, being born in human likeness."

its monday already, where did my weekend go?

so last week i was able to hang out with an old friend i haven’t seen in a while. This person played such a big part in my life through out my childhood and even more so when i was in high school. i have memories of us together as far back as i can remember. Just being girls telling each other our most prized secrets, our hopes, dreams, our fears. we both grew up in totally different backgrounds and families but we always seemed to click. we shared a sisterhood/friendship that i thought would never be broken, looking back now i always figured she be a part of my life in some way, big or small. But heres the thing, time changed us. we both outgrew our childhood selves and moved on to who we were meant to become. We chose different paths... So there we were sitting at a coffie shop, myself wondering where time went. Thinking how our lives could have changed so much in just a couple of years. But what i realized that afternoon was that no matter where we both go in life, she will always hold a dear place in my heart. I thought things would be different, that we had changed too much. But we just picked it up as if those years apart didnt really happen. yeah we will both change and chose different paths in our lives but i made a decision long ago that i wanted to live and share life with this girl. yeah ill tell ya straight out, we're different; we do things different, we believe in different things, we live life differently. And despite our disagreements and views in life i still love her. And here's the thing ive always been told to live my life in love and love everyone in my life, and yeah i think that’s very true. But i really didnt grasp what that meaning of love was. I now understand that i have to love people for who they are and not judge them or even try to change them into who i want them to be. And the freedom i got when i realized that was so great, because i finally was able to love with out holding back, with out the restrictions that had tied me down in the past. Im not saying that this is something that will happen overnight, but its defiantly given me lots to think about. And work on.
And thinking about this just got me thinking of Christ (since He is the ultimate love) and his love for his children. How there is not restrictions to love when it comes to God. How He will Love you wherever your at. He will meet you there. This was such a hard concept for me to understand. Because i felt and at times still feel soo unworthy of His love. That i never felt that i was at a place that i was worthy of the blessings and love that He gave me in life. Thats when He taught me that lesson of grace. That to Him, i was worthy to be called His daughter. That no matter where ive been, or done, or even how bad ive messed up, He still loves me and will continue to persue me. Once i saw myself through His love i was able to begin to love myself. Something i never thought possible.

One month left of school and counting.... i dont think ive ever been so excieted for summer to get here already. It seems like ive been at school for ever. But i was thinking about it earlier, and realized that i cant forget about all the things and responsibilities i have in this next month before then. Yeah, theres some pretty sweet things that are planed for this summer, but i also know that God doesnt want me to forget what i have infront of me now. So i guess i was just reminded that i need to take every oppertunity i have now, He has me where im at for a reason, i cant get to ahead of myself.

So today was a beautiful day. Nothing out of the ordinary or spectacular happened; just a day filled with laughter, joy, family and friends. A day like today is one of those days ill look back on and know that that happiness and joy i felt came straight from God. How wonderful and big He is, how He can wrap me up in His love and let me know that it’ll be okay. Worthwhile even. It’s funny how sometimes i get so lost and confused along the way that i am never able to look up from the mess I’m in and see the true blessing i have in life. But I’m thankful that it’s in those little moments that He reminds me of how beautiful life is. As i look back on today there’s countless times where He reminds me of this; That hug from a friend I haven’t seen in weeks, that talk with that student who just brings a smile to my face, eating ice cream for breakfast with my girls, sitting on a bench and sharing that moment with the person beside me, that look across the room from my sister telling me she loves me, being around family and knowing that we are healing (that we will be alright). How can I look back on a day like today and not say that it was beautiful?

even in the depths of dispare i need to remember that he is good. He knows the plans He has for me. i can only rely on His love and on His grace. I might not understand right now why things happen, but i know that He is with me always. For He is good and He is mighty. He has a purpose for all, even though we might not see it. He is my refuge.

I was sitting there last night reminiscing about old times. I started thinking about my past and the road that’s lead me here to where I am now. It’s humbling to see where I was then and where I am now. The struggles I have gone through and the battles I have lost along the way. And I can say that im still on the journey trying to get renewed everyday. But it just amazes me that even now I stumble, I mess up, I break…and He still loves me. I guess its one of those beautiful things about Christ that will always leave me speechless. Because in reality no matter where I go or where this path might takes me, ill never experience that type of love. No body will know me or get me like he does. People will fail me and come and go, but He will always be by my side. I know that this concept of God’s love is so simple and so fundamental when it comes to the Christian life. But I also think its one of the hardest concepts to really grasp. It’s so easy for us to get wrapped up in our past, our self pity, and in our hurt, and shame; that it’s hard to look at ourselves through Christ’s eyes. You know all he wants to do it love us and care about us, but most of the time we let our lives get so busy with “stuff” that it doesn’t allow for us to see it. Well you know, im tired of allowing my life to get to this place. I know its good for me to be broken and be put in this place where I can only give my life over to Christ and hand it to Him to lead it. This is the best place for me to be at, to be in the safety of Christ love. So for the longest time I thought that the great question is why I let myself get to a stage in my life where I get consumed with all the “stuff” that doesn’t allow for me to feel that and know that. To remember that all I need is Him. Well I just can’t do it anymore, I can’t cut it. I know im not made to be outside the presence of God. But here is the thing, I know ill fail that ill continually mess up, it’s bound to happen. But despite all my mess ups he will still continue on loving me and want me in his presence. How beautiful is that...to me that the most amazing thing in this world. His unconditional love for us.

So my main reason for having this thing is so im able to just jot down some thoughts I have. I guess more than anything it’s an avenue for me to express my feelings and thoughts. I think it’ll be neat for me to look back on something like this and realize all the things that ive reflected on and learned about over time. I find it easier for me to work my thoughts and ideas out in writing. This fact being ironic since ive never been a good writer, it really never came easy to me. But as im getting older it’s been something ive been more inclined to do. So my hope that in reading this, what you might call an "open ended journal," you can get a glimpse into some of the madness behind my thought. =0) well with that, I hope you enjoy reading whatever I might write in the future. And I would love to hear from ya and hear what you think on which ever subject I talked about. chat with you soon, ciao.